Fairy Tales -- Who Needs 'Em?

>> Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Yesterday I was scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees, thinking to myself, "Where the heck is that fairy godmother, anyway?" I keep waiting and waiting, and she never comes.

What's the catch? Is it that Cinderella was a better housekeeper than me? Heck, most people are better housekeepers than me, but Cinderella didn't have the Wii to distract her, and last time I read the story, there were no small children living in the house. Sure, there were small rodents, and a whole lot of other creatures, but the kind that followed Cinderella around seemed to be more helpful than my cats when it comes to scrubbing. I mean, after all, they could sew. The best we have in this house is Big Black Cat who thinks that his forehead is the same as a paintbrush when we are painting walls. So, if the catch is I need to get the house clean before I get promoted to Princess with a staff of my own, I think this is one promotion I'll never see. The closest thing we'll probably get to a princess in this house is the cat outside. (Her name is Princess.)

Let's think about this. Cinderella never had another housemate with a collection of matchbox cars to step on, or eight little people for a bus that only holds six. By the time I even match all the toy pieces, the sun has set and there is little time for actual cleaning. But hey, I was actually scrubbing the floor yesterday, as well as the walls. That should count for something, don't you think? Admittedly, today has come and nearly gone, and all my hard work seems to have been for naught, but I did try.

On the other hand, what do I want with Cinderella's fairy godmother anyway? After all, she put the poor girl into glass slippers. Can you imagine how uncomfortable a glass slipper would be? High heeled shoes are bad enough when they are made from pliable leather, much less unyielding glass. I'm reminded of a fancy Christmas Party I had to go to one year on the same day that I broke my toe. I have a feeling Cinderella's feet felt much the same way. And those hoops on that dress! Sure, its beautiful, but the poor child probably couldn't sit down all night! For that matter, she probably didn't dare drink anything either because I don't think there is a bathroom in all of fairy tale land that would hold that dress.

Okay, I'm on the right track now. The heck with Cinderella and her beautiful castle. She had to share it with her in-laws anyway so it wasn't really hers. (No offense, Mom and Dad.) No, I've changed my mind. Someone send me Mary Poppins. She could make the toys dance their way away and even made cod-liver oil taste good. Yes, it is Mary Poppins I need -- or at least her magic umbrella.

Wait, scratch that. She had a tendency to wander away with children. I'll take Mrs. Weasley from the Harry Potter books. She is gifted with using her wand for household chores, and I understand she is a fabulous cook. I'll sit back, drink my coffee, and she will put this place to order right quick. Sure, I won't have my castle, but castles are cold. I won't have my princess gown, but I can go to the bathroom whenever I want without help (provided I remember to lock the door).

And above all, I have my Wii.


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