Guaranteed Weight Loss and Fitness Tips

>> Wednesday, May 19, 2010

As hard as it may be to believe when you look at me, I actually have a fairly fool proof way to lose weight and increase exercise.  My system really will work, if you simply follow the rules.  In fact, the program is very, very simple.  The only trick is making yourself actually do it.  Can you?  There are two methods.  One involves the stay at home (or weekend) parent.  The other involves similar rules for the workplace, but today we are talking about the home-based version.

Here are the rules:

1.  Small children are required.  If you don't have any, borrow some.  Lots of parents will gladly give you their children for as long as you need them.  Now, if you choose the, "conceive, carry and give birth from your own body" method of having children, of course, you will have some extra weight to deal with before you can begin losing the weight, but the more children you have, the more effective the weight loss rules become.

2.  You may only eat when you are sitting down, alone, in your own chair, without any children sitting in your lap.  If you can't satisfy all of these requirements, you need to eat later.

3.  The car does not count as sitting down.  A table is required.

4.  You must use a plate, a napkin, and utensils.  Actually, you don't have to "use" them, but you have to take the time to get them out and set up a real place setting.  If you don't have time, or if small children take them away before you sit down, you need to eat later, when you can satisfy these conditions.

5.  You must not eat anything until your entire meal, drink included, is on the table.  Again, if you cannot satisfy all these conditions due to complications from your family, you must wait until you can.

6.  You must close your eyes and count to ten.  If no child screams or speaks to you during this time, you may proceed.

7.  You may not start eating unless you honestly believe you will have time to eat an entire meal without interruption. 

8.  If you are interrupted by small children, other messes, the telephone, the doorbell, Famville, or Twitter, you must stop eating until the interruption is over.  If your meal gets cold, you may reheat it.

9.  If your child wants fast food, you may go, but the same rules apply.  If a fast food restaurant is within walking distance, you have the added obligation of having to walk there, with your children, and any strollers they may require.  You may only order from the dollar menu, and you must have the same thing each time you go.  Trust me, you will tire of this before they do.

10.  For aerobic exercise, tell your child s/he may not go into a specific room, then play goalie to keep them out of it. 

11.  For yoga and stretching exercises, tell your child you will be scrubbing a floor on your hands and knees or vacuuming a carpet with a hand-vac.  Then attempt to do so while climbing over, around, under, and past your child.  The goal is to not actually get anything clean, but to try to get around your child while you are both on the floor. 

12.  For weight lifting, periodically tell your child he needs to go upstairs to take a nap, take a bath, clean his room, or something else he does not wish to do.  Proceed to carry him there.  When he runs back downstairs, follow him and repeat.  When you get truly advanced at this exercise, tell the child and the family pet the same thing, then proceed to carry them both.  You may receive the added aerobic benefit of having to chase the pet/children, and the mental exercise of having to figure out where they are hiding.

By following these simple rules, you will surely lose weight.  You will only be able to eat about 3 bites per meal, and by the time the children are in bed, you will pass out from hunger and fatigue. 


Brenda May 19, 2010 at 8:28 AM  

Reheat?! Ha! I haven't had a hot meal in FIVE YEARS!

And to add further weight loss insurance, add a pet. If pet throws up, scratches, jumps on table, or begins howling ... you must stop eating and attend to mess.

Now add husband. Same directions.

Karin Kysilka May 22, 2010 at 6:25 PM  

Brenda, are you sure you aren't running a comedy show on the side?

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