Children's Rhymes... the Revised (PG) Edition

Toddler has a toy that recites the alphabet, with sound effects, like this: "A. A is for Apple. [insert chewing sound]. B. B is for Ball. [insert bouncing sound]." I have decided that the time has come for parents to strike back against these annoying and repititious toys by inserting our own words. After all, we do it in our heads, and sometimes in song, and we should just do it right into the toy's voicebox.

Here are my first suggestions.

"A" is for "Awake at 6:00 in the morning on Saturday," or possibly, "Again! Me need go potty again!"

"B" is for "Blackberry." (After your child throws it into the pet's waterbowl, "B" is for "Broken Blackberry")

"C" is for "Coronoa, or Coors, or Coors Lite, or any other beer that has a 'C' anywhere in any part of its name, and if it doesn't, call it a Cerveza and it will count."

"D" is for "Do you need to go potty?"

"E" is for "Elmo, the world's most annoying 3 year old."

"F" is for "French Fry, the staple of the picky-eater's diet."

"G" is for "Grape juice on the living room couch."

"H" is for "Hot bath at the end of the day."

"I" is for "I don't know!"

"J" is for "Juggling, a necessary survival skill."

"K" is for "Kindergarten, the first peace you will see in years."

"L"is for "Losing the important pieces to the toys," or "Leaving things behind at Grandma's."

"M" is for "Mess."

"N" is for "No. No. NO. NO. NO!"

"O" is for "Ol' McDonald and his stupid, stupid farm."

"P" is for "Pushing the same button on the same toy again and again until we all hang our heads out the window and issue a shriek that wakes the neighborhood dogs."

"Q" is for "Quiet. Please, please be quiet!"

"R" is for "Repeating everything I say." Recently, "R" has meant, "Rain, rain, rain, rain, rain."

"S" is for "Sanity, rapidly running out the front door without me," or "Special Agent Oso, perhaps the world's dumbest bear."

"T" is for "TOODLES!" (If you need an explanation for this, just tune in to the Disney Channel for a day.)

"U" is for "Uh, oh!"

"V" is for "Vacation." (Boy do I need one.)

"W" is for "Wait your turn."

"X" is for "eXhausted parents." (Just go with me on this one.)

"Y" is for "Yuengling." (This also fits under "C" above. If you haven't tried it, you should.)

"Z" is for "ZZZZZZZZZ"

Of course, as all modern parents know, the curse of alphabet songs was created by the infamous Leap Frog company. They make wonderful toys that children love, with songs that drive parents to the brink of insanity. The most pernicious is the alphabet song, "B says 'buh'! B says 'buh'! Every letter makes a sound, and B says 'buh'!" (And so on and so forth through the alphabet, with some odd fitting ones for the vowels that have more than one sound -- whch is why I stated with "B" of course.) This little melody also happens to go very well with the following words: "Give me a break! Give me a break! Don't you touch that button again, please give me a break!" (The word, "please" is optional and the song works just as well without it.)

Of course, on the topic of "repitition" is there any song more repititious than "Mary Had a Little Lamb?" Consider this version instead: "Mary had a little lamb, little, lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, as if you didn't know. Because we've said it 20 times, 20 times, 20 times, because we've said it 20 times, I'll bet you surely know."

For infinite variety, I recommend messing with "The Farmer in the Dell." You can do so much with this song. For example, "The child is in bed. The child is in bed. Thanks for small favors, the child is in bed."

What do you sing?