Just Shake Your Head and Walk Away

Today is one of those days where I'm having a hard time finding the humor. I should have a huge sign on my head that says, "Stand Back. You Have Been Warned." I have to be very careful when writing this blog on a day like today, because I risk moving from funny to caustic as I come perilously close to telling you what I REALLY think about what is going on around me.

So, on a day like today, I offer a compromise. Below is a list of some things people have said to me in the past year that make me count to 10 before I'm even allowed to open my mouth lest I try to do something really dumb like argue or try to use logic. As I think you can see, arguing with some people is absolutely useless.

Here is what I heard:

1. Well, no, I didn't take the trash out for garbage day because there was still room in the bag for more garbage.

2. I don't take my bags to the grocery store because they only give me five cents off a bag. I'd rather use a twenty cent coupon instead of my four bags.

3. No, I don't think we have gluten free pasta, but I can offer you whole wheat pasta. Will that do?

4. Me: For a few months I'm not allowed to have any "diet" stuff with artificial sweetners or anything like that. My Friend: Can you have a diet gingerale?

5. Me: I don't have any time off for your "free" vacation. Vacation Solicitor: How about if I cut the price?

6. I can't bear to throw these things out or sell them, so I'm giving them to you.

7. I just bought these t-shirts in your mall while visiting you and I decided I don't want them after all, so I'm going to leave them here with you, okay?

8. Yes, we are having group preschool tours for parents. No, child care is not provided.

9. I just drove this plant the entire way across the country from my old apartment to yours, but it won't fit in my car for the last 400 miles of my trip to my new place, so I'll give it to you. I know you'll take good care of it.

10. I am fanatic about clean hands. I don't like bar soap because someone else can touch it. I don't think softsoap really works, and I don't think hand sanitzer really works either.

11. Restaurant employee: You are allergic to dairy? Me: Yes. I can't have dairy. Restaurant employee: What about Velveeta and sour cream?

12. My Friend: I'm so glad you came across two states and had time to visit with me. I think about you often and wish I could see more of you. Me: Well maybe if you are taking a vacation over our way we can connect? It's a lot of fun! My Friend: Or you could just come back and see us. We live right off the turnpike, you know.

Now, I have paraphrased some of the conversations to make them slightly less identifiable, but I think you get the general idea. ::shake head, walk away::