"How To" and Cures to Common Ailments

>> Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I was thinking today, that we all need a little more success and achievement in our lives.  (Right?  We can all agree on that, right?)  We have all been very wrapped up in trying to solve the problems of the nation, and we cannot seem to agree on the best way of doing that.  I think we need to stop, take a deep breath, and focus on the debilitating things in our lives that we really can fix.  So many of the concerns in this world that plague us have very simple remedies.  Our only issue is not how to solve our problems, but how to put the remedy in the same place as the problem.

For example:

The cure for insomnia is the 6 AM alarm clock.
The cure for dehydration in small children is potty training.
The cure for constipation is a colonoscopy.
The cure for a drought is an outdoor wedding.
The cure for a burnt barbecue meal on Father's Day is a rainstorm.
The cure for too many TV channels is a night with nothing to do.

See? We have the problems, and we have the solutions, we just need to put them in the same place at the same time.

Feeling blue? Smug?  We can fix that, too:

The cure for a feeling of inferiority is watching Congress.
The cure for a feeling of superiority is watching Congress and realizing we elected these people.
Another cure for a feeling of inferiority is reading the blog of someone who can't spell and hasn't found the spellchecker button.
Another cure for a feeling of superiority is realizing you can't spell either
With a little more thought, we can even find the solution to slightly more complex problems, like overly attached newlyweds.  If you have a set in your family or friendship circle, try this:  Buy them a queen sized bed with a pillow top.  Wait a month or so, then invite them to stay at your house, where you should provide them with a double bed with no pillow top and slightly weakening springs.  In a matter of hours (possibly a day if they are truly devoted), they will be flipping coins to see who has to sleep on the floor.  The effect is multiplied if your devoted couple consists of one big person and one little person.  The little person will probably object to the crater in the middle of the bed that causes him or her to roll into the gravity well of the larger person.  Trust me -- this plot works.

Last, and my own personal favorite, if you know someone that needs a chuckle, recite Murphy's Law 5 different ways in one blog post and show it to them.  If you are really lucky, they will probably think you are being very original and clever, too.


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