Dear Allergies,

Dear Allergies,

The time has come for you and I to have a little talk.  I know you live here from time to time, and there is little I can do about it, because you made your rent deal with a landlord with more clout than me, but I think the time has come to lay some ground rules.

To begin with, as a guest in this house, we would prefer if you would let us know when you plan to arrive before you actually do.  These sudden appearances in the middle of the night, waking me up, have got to stop.  Plus, when you decide to take off for a few days, we would appreciate knowing when you will be returning.  For example, last week you disappeared for a few days.  Now, of course, where you went and what you were doing is none of my business, and I am the last one to try say you aren't allowed to go anywhere.  But, given how close we are to the holidays, you can understand how I thought you would be gone for a lot longer than 3 days.  I thought maybe you went home to see your mother, or maybe went on a holiday cruise, or went to visit some relatives, or were doing any of a number of typical holiday things.  I really didn't expect you to reappear last Saturday afternoon during the football game, bursting through the door and disrupting everything like we should have known you were coming.  Yes, we were having a little bit of a football gathering with some family, and no, I didn't have enough food for you.  I had no idea you were coming.

Second, we are becoming aware that there are some things in this house that seem to set you off, and this year is worse than most.  We would appreciate if, instead of throwing a temper tantrum, upsetting everyone's day, and making me, Bubba, and Houdini the Cat sniffle and cry, you would just tell us what is bothering you.  Maybe we can avoid the situation in the future.

Third, just because you live here does not mean you are welcome to accompany us everywhere we go.  For example, I really don't want to pay for your admission to the wine festival, and my friends and family, really are never very pleased when you show up in the car with us when we go to their house.  After all, they don't know when to buy food for you, and (I know you may find this upsetting), they think you are kinda gross.

Fourth, and possibly the most important, there are some times when you are simply not welcome, and your being here is just not acceptable.  When anyone in the house is sick, you really should just take yourself somewhere else.  Hanging around throwing fits while someone is sick is really just the height of self-centered rudeness.  This kind of attention-seeking behavior has got to stop.

Fifth, please clean up after yourself.  Of all the people that live in this house, even temporarily, you are the messiest.  You smear goop all over Toddler's face and don't help him wash it off.  You tickle Houdini and make him sneeze, without any consideration about wiping up all that stuff flying around, hardening on the walls and the cat bed.  You leave tissues all over the house.  Don't even get me started about that tuna incident with Toddler last summer.  I should not have had to do all that laundry by myself. 

And, that tuna-incident reminds me of my next concern.  If you intend to experiment with new things that used to work just fine, like tuna casserole in Toddler's stomach, I think I deserve a warning.  I mean, if we do what we always did, we expect what we always got.  If you start messing with the fundamental building blocks without letting us know, I think you are almost certainly violating some FDA regulations about experimenting on unknowing and unwilling subjects.  In any respect, it's really very poor sportsmanship.

I really don't think these ground rules are too much to ask in any house guest.  I trust you will give these items your sincere consideration, because I believe I am bending over backwards to be fair here.  I would appreciate the same consideration.

Regards,

Me.