Holiday Don't Wish List

>> Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's the holiday time again.  I love December.  I can sing "Jingle Bells" without anyone thinking I'm singing an Elmo song, and the entire world cloaks itself in bright, festive colors.  Thanksgiving is great, don't get me wrong, but Christmas has Thanksgiving beat up one side and down the other when it comes to decorations.  I mean, brown, orange, and gloomy fall colors when you can have flaming red and crayola crayon green?  Is that really even a choice?

Of course, Christmas season means gift giving, and gift giving means ... lists.

I have a love-hate relationship with lists -- mostly hate.

You see, I like surprises.  I would much rather have someone buy me something they think I will like and be surprised then buy something I know I will like and have no surprises.  On the other hand, some people get too worked up about getting the "right" gift, and I'd like to de-stress them.  After all, if I don't mind taking something back and exchanging it, why should they?  It isn't like it's a personal failure, although some people take it that way.  People are different, and trust me, if someone is having a tough time buying me the "right" gift, then chances are I am having the same problem with them.  Things like to work out that way.

As far as me buying from a list ... I'll admit, I seldom do it.  I sometimes use a list to fill out a Christmas or birthday offering, and sometimes I use it to get launching off ideas, but I do try to venture out on my own when I can.  (Some years it doesn't work, and I have to list-shop.)  Why do I do this?  Well, I figure if I like surprises, then everyone else will too.  I know the theory is flawed, but it's all I have.

When it comes to what is on my list, well ... I have trouble remembering what I want when the time comes to sit down and write it.  Each year I think to myself how much easier it would be if I just wrote an "I Don't Want" list.  (Seriously, I did that once, on my baby registry for Bubba.  In the top, in a big note, I wrote, "Please, no Precious Moments toys or decorations for the baby."  I'm sorry to say that not everyone listened.)  The reasons I don't write a "Don't Want" list are simple:  1.  Someone is bound to ignore it (see prior sentence), and 2. These kinds of lists make me sound bitchy and high maintenance.  (Can I say "bitchy" in this blog and still be considered PG?  Hmmm.)

If I were to write a "Don't Want" list, I think it would probably read something like this:

1.  I seldom wear pink.  There is a reason for this.  I only like one shade of pink, and it's hard to find.  All other shades of pink I wear out of necessity.  For example, when a woman borrow's maternity clothes, she cannot return all things pink and be considered polite.  Also, there are only so many different colors of silk blouse "shells" to wear under suitcoats without running into a pinkish color.  Thus, to minimize returns, pink is a color I would advise avoiding.

2.  I wear yellow even less than I wear pink.  I do this because I have only ever found one yellow shirt in my entire life that didn't make people want to rush me to the emergency room as soon as I tried it on.  I bought it for the sheer novelty.  Unlike most shades of pink, I actually like yellow.  Yellow does not like me, though.

3.  I hate beige and wear it only when the only other choice is nakedness.  Beige looks quite bad on me, and I do much better in white, even thugh white attracts stains like a kid with chocolate.  In fact, I despise beige so much that every time I move into a new house, I paint all the realtor-beige walls bright white.  I think the place always looks much larger that way, but my real estate agent friends universally cringe when they hear me say this.

4.  Precious Moments statues with their big, sad eyes give me nightmares.  I know they are supposed to look "cute," but I think they often look like a kid whose parent just died.

5.  Romance novels are predictable, murder novels are gruesome, and most lawyer novels are just plain wrong.  All other books, fiction or nonfiction, are warmly welcomed.

6.  Contrary to popular belief, I love getting clothes for Christmas, so long as that isn't all I get.  I'm a tough fit, and I seem to be no particular size, so a return is almost always required, but I can't fairly call clothes a "Don't Wish" item.  (I guess that means that technically I shouldn't mention it on this list, but hey, it's my blog.)

7.  I have all the cooking implements any human could ever want, unless you happen to be Emeril or Rachel Ray (and I, clearly, am not).  Unless a particular kitchen cooking tool appears on my "Wish List," then you should consider it to be on my "Don't Wish" list.  This restriction does not apply to hand towels or dish towels.  No family with children can ever have enough of these.

8.  I don't generally "do" floral prints.  Poinsettias are the great exception to this rule. 

9.  I LOVE Christmas decorations.  I may have mentioned that already.  I have a catch, though.  I like my Christmas decorations (and wrapping paper, for that matter), to look realistic, not cartoonish.  Clowns are not Christmas, and Santa's head is not shaped like a conehead.

10.  Last, but not least, I DO NOT WISH ... anyone to take this list too seriously and get all worked up over Christmas gift-buying.  And yet, I am absolutely certain someone will print out this blog post and take it to the store with them to make sure they don't make a mistake.  I'm just not sure who it will be.

Of course, now that I've printed this post, I am expecting a special delivery from my sister (or possibly my friend in southeastern PA, or quite likely several of my special needs moms with twisted senses of humor), containing a beige sweater with pink and yellow flowers on the front and a big old glow-in-the-dark Precious Moments figurine for my bedroom.  Of course, they will send it without the receipt just for spite.


Susan December 1, 2010 at 9:31 PM  

Ha, ha ha. All I have to say is: If you don't buy off the list. AT LEAST INCLUDE THE RECEIPT.

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