How to Ruin a Roll of Toilet Paper and Confuse Your Wife At The Same Time

>> Tuesday, November 16, 2010

How does one ruin a roll of toilet paper?  There aren't that many ways to totally destroy the thing.  Even a viscious attack by a hunting domestic feline really only spoils the first inch or so.  In most disasters, at least a small part of the toilet paper will be salvageable.  Only two methods really qualify as "total destruction":  Fire, and a whole lot of water.  (Technically, dropping the roll down a latrine makes it "gone" but not "totally ruined."  Totally gross maybe, but not ruined.)

For the adventuresome husband, boyfriend, or significant other parenting figure, here are a few steps you can take to totally ruin a roll of toilet paper and simultaneously confuse the heck out of your wife/girlfriend/significant other parenting figure.  (For this exercise, small children are helpful.  In their absence, you can attempt to modify the steps to accomodate small furry pets.)

Step One:  Place child on toilet seat for pre-bath "potty break" in full reach of full roll of toilet paper.  Make sure toilet paper is off the spindle.  In fact, if you can, arrange to have the spindle completely broken so there is no question about *why* said toilet paper is not on the spindle.

Step Two:  Turn your back on child while child picks up toilet paper and hides it behind his back.

Step Three:  Lift child into bathtub, conveniently not noticing the toilet paper in his/her hands.

Step Four:  Set child into the bathtub and watch while child attempts to sit on toilet paper roll.

Step Five:  Notice soaking wet, sopping, and now dripping full roll of toilet paper in the bathtub and attempt to rescue it.

Step Six:  Examine toilet paper roll carefully, and conclude that in the next million years or so, it might dry out again and become useable.

Step Seven:  Leave sopping wet roll of toilet paper on the edge of the bathtub to "drip dry".

Step Eight:  Decide to not bother to get out a new roll, but set up a convenient box of facial tissues "just in case".

Step Nine:  Go to work the next morning and wait for your spouse to call with the question, "Would you like to tell me what happened to the toilet paper in your child's bathroom?"

Step Ten:  Try to explain how you really thought the paper might dry "soon".

Step Eleven:  Laugh and apologize.

Step Twelve:  Bring home dinner, and make it good.


Anonymous November 16, 2010 at 12:03 PM  

An excellent 12 step program. I must pass this plan to my granddaughter who has a 2 year old. She'll love it!

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