We Need to Talk About this Wii Fit Thing

>> Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Today has been a rough day so far. This is day 4 of my internet not working very well, and for the most part the only program I can get into is Blogger. (I guess you don't mind that, or you wouldn't be reading this, now would you?)

I'm Facebook deprived, Chat deprived, Email deprived, and I even had to have someone tell me that the King of Pop died yesterday. (OK, another clue. You are getting these updates on a time delay ... yesterday for me is not yesterday for you.... It's like time dilation theory in physics. It makes the most sense if you try not to think about it too hard.)

I have found that as far as the housework goes, I am decidedly more productive when the internet is down ... unless I decide to go shopping that is. Today as I type this I have already weeded around one tree outside, scrubbed a toilet, cleaned a countertop with Clorox, yelled at the cat for scratching my wooden bench, had an argument with my toddler about what was for lunch, went to CVS to buy wrapping paper, and removed a toddler toy from the box. Out of all of those things, it was the toddler toy that took the longest. I also made a phonecall to my sister, who didn't answer but did text me back. The funny thing is that she texted me back to my landline, and some computer called me to read the text to me. This might be the subject of a future post. I'm still mulling this one over.

So, for fear I might actually upset the balance of order and chaos in the house by trying to do too much cleaning, I decided it was time to tackle my Wii Fit again. Now let me start by saying I am not angry with the Wii Fit. It is not the Wii Fit's fault that my body is slow, heavy, and round. I'll take the blame for that. It can call me obese, tell me that I'm clumsy, and show a picture of me with a tire around my middle. That's okay. (But hey, my Wii Fit age today is 37 -- pretty close!!!) I did get a kick out of it asking me whether Darling Husband is going to come back or not. Ha, ha.

But really, when you think about it, this Wii Fit thing is rather sick. Let's take the soccer challenge. I'm supposed to stand on the board, lean back and forth and head some soccer balls. Sound okay to you? Here is the catch. When you lean left or right, it isn't so bad. In the middle, though, it looks like the soccer balls are really coming right at your head, and honest to pete my instinct is to DUCK! DUCK! Plus, when the soccer ball is aimed right at my head, it is sure hard to see what might be behind it, like the FLYING SHOE SOMEONE THREW AT ME. (Minus one point for hitting the flying shoe.) Already this game is twisted. I'm hitting something with my head, and people are throwing shoes at me. If the shoe hits me, my virtual head whips back like I'm in a V8 commercial. Oh, but it gets better. In addition to the flying shoes, some programmer thought it was funny to throw panda heads at me. Yes, panda heads. Now we have moved from twisted to sick. I'm supposed to head 60-120 soccer balls while avoiding shoes and FLYING PANDA HEADS that someone is deliberately throwing at me. WOW! If this were a cartoon, we wouldn't let our kids near it!

I have to draw the line on the tightrope walk, though. Now this one is truly sick. I'm supposed to walk "normally" (while walking in place on a sideways balance beam. Ummm. Hmmm. I'll let you know when I figure that one out.) My virtual counterpart then ventures out onto a piece of rope tied between two buildings, so high up it might have been a scene in a Spiderman movie. If I misstep, my virtual self flaps her arms in panic. Halfway out onto the rope, a crawling bear trap that looks like the langoliers from the Stephen King movie comes snapping toward me. I jump or die. If I jump and land wrong, I FALL TEN STORIES TO THE GROUND! To make it worse, the computer sets up all these virtual people to WATCH me. Now, have you ever heard of anything so sick? Bring back first person shooter games because I think they were far less violent! (And yet I keep playing. Go figure.)

I will say that my all time favorite game on the Wii Fit is the first exercise in yoga. You practice breathing. According to my personal trainer, I am a "professional" breather. Good to know I'm good at something.


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