We're Long Overdue for a "Why" Post: Why, Part 4

I was checking back in the post list and realized I haven't given you guys my list of "Why" questions in a long time. I think the last one was "Why, Part 3" on July 13th. So, here are some questions that I have been wondering about in the past 6 weeks.

1. Why does healing skin itch so much? I mean, if we scratch it, the wound gets irritated and worse and possibly infected, so restraint is best, right? Well, if scratching a healing wound is really not good for us, then why does it itch? Why do our bodies tell us to do something so rotten for us? What happened before we were "advanced" enough to know not to scratch? Does anyone think about these sorts of things but me?

2. Why is a muffin considered a good thing to eat? As my niece says, muffins are just an excuse to have cake for breakfast.

3. Why is it that some of the nicest sounding singers are on children's tv shows? Take "Mover Dave" from the Imagination Movers, for example. I certainly understand the desire on a lot of parts to produce quality and pleasing children's programming, but I think this guy could sing ballads and make money at it. Instead, he is acting silly and jumping around in a mechanic's jumpsuit, complete with nametag. I can't imagine he's getting paid all that much to prance around that warehouse, but maybe he is.

4. Have you ever noticed that perfectly ordinary and typical women very often become food pushers the day they become in-laws or grandmothers? Why is that? Are we programmed in some way to begin offering food every few seconds when our children get married or have children of their own? Trust me, this isn't just an Italian thing, nor is it limited to just your grandmother.

5. Why do children talk loudest in church, but when you want them to show off to your friends they clam up?

6. Why does all women's business clothing almost never have pockets? Do clothing manufacturers think we don't have to carry things, or are we supposed to carry purses for our pens?

7. Why do makeup companies phase out their color products so quickly? Let's be honest, I'm not going to buy more just because you altered the color slightly. I'll wait until mine runs out and pick a new one. This means every time my lipstick runs out I need to find a new color.

8. Why do cats show up when there is people food around, even if they are too finicky to eat it? For that matter, what can a cat possibly smell in a Diet Coke?

9. Why will a cat get sick if it doesn't lick itself every day, but if a kid licks a bleeding cut s/he risks infection? Does that mean people have dirtier mouths?

10. Why do pet stores tell people with fish tanks to only put a small number of fish in your tank while they keep 10 or more times as many in their tanks?

11. Why when live television events are rebroadcast in the wee hours of the morning, the show is still called "Live" on the guide?

Well, that about does it for this round of imponderables. If you have any of your own, feel free to send them on to me.

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Really, What More Could I Ask? SILENCE?

I mentioned earlier that I recently attended a funeral. Family members who did not attend with me asked me all about it. Was it a nice service? (Of course, the right answer to this question is always, "Yes" but we are here to expose the embarrasing and silly in this world, and not to be "right" all the time.)

My answer to the question, "Was it a nice service," is, "I think so. What little I heard of it seemed nice, and every one seemed engrossed when I was watching them through the glass ...."

You see, I took Toddler with me to the services, including the viewing and the funeral mass. Yep. I took a two year old to a funeral. I drove him 7 hours across 3 states to stay in a hotel without his toys or his tv shows and make him hang out with dozens of people whose knees he has never seen before. What a smart mom I am.

I know we don't talk much about Toddler's prior medical problems in this blog (I have another one for that), but in this one instance, I must mention something in pure self defense. Toddler only got his "voice back" from his tracheostomy when we had his reconstruction surgery last February. Before that surgery, he had very seldom heard the words, "Shush," or "Quiet" or similar concept from us. We were so thrilled he finally had a voice that we have (mostly) let him use it. We try to keep the volume to a dull roar, and we are practicing "inside voices" and "whisper," but this past weekend made it very clear to me that the concepts are not sinking in at all yet.

Now, except for the evening where we had him at the viewing long past his bedtime and he was throwing his toys at random strangers, Toddler behaved himself extremely well. He did anything we asked him to (and a few things we asked him not to do). He stood when we stood, he sat when we sat, and he hugged when we hugged. All in all, his behavior was exemplary. At one point he scared a little cousin by running after him asking to "Hold hands! Hold hands!" but once I explained to him that Little Cousin didn't want to hold hands, he was okay with it.

The problem was, no matter what we did, Toddler had to talk about it and explain it all to us, using many words. Let's take the memorial service before the mass. Toddler had "loaned" his green matchbox car to his little cousin. (Okay, to be fair, they had been snatching each other's toys for two days.) I gave Toddler a yellow car and a white car, hoping he would forget about it for an hour. Nope. We sat in the back of the funeral home, listening to Toddler tell me over and over again, "Green car! I don have green car! I have lello car, white car, no green car!" Well, color me embarrased. We had to step out, at which point Toddler found the offending cousin (still holding the green car), which started the discussion all over again, even louder. Little cousin's dad gave back the car, but by then Toddler was all wound up and soon had to go outside with Grandma. Now, again, he wasn't doing anything wrong -- he just wouldn't stop talking! When Grandma would send him over to stand next to me (I was hovering by the door, craning my ears to hear the service), Toddler dutifully comes over, and promptly announced, "HI, MOMMY!" Oh, yeesh.

With all of this going on, I decided we couldn't take him to the mass. We just couldn't. This behavior was so disrespectful. But, one of the members of the deceased's family asked us to bring him, so, reluctantly, I agreed. I had some hope when he fell asleep on the surprisingly long trip from the funeral home to the church ... but as soon as the car was in "park" he woke up. Rats.

Once again, Toddler and I sequestered ourselves and some brave family members in the back of the church. Even my uncle, who was hard of hearing, had no problems hearing us, I think. I have never said, "hush," "shush," "quiet," "inside voices," "whisper voices," and similar things in my life, much less in such a short period. I even tried covering his mouth, but that seemed to make things worse. He very nicely played with his stickers (a rare no-noise toy that completely captivates). The problem? He kept handing them to the people near him and explaining who was on the picture. "Ernie!" "Bert!" "Big Bird!" "Coooooookiieeeeeeee!" (said in a remarkable imitation of Cookie Monster). We would quiet him down for a few moments, imitating our whisper, but soon he'd forget. When the hymns would begin, he would turn around in rapt attention, then announce to me, "music!" He admired the flowers, "Flooowwwerrrsssss" and he waved to the people he knew. In all, he was perfectly charming ... for an amusement park or a birthday party. Our only saving grace was the fact that 90% of the stickers were of Mickey Mouse ... and the deceased's name was Mickey. In the deepest part of my brain where I was trying not to be mortified, I hoped the mourners would think Toddler was mourning his cousin ... but that is far fetched even for me.

We got a lot of traction out of shoving cookies into the boy's mouth, with the only real drawback coming when he wanted another, "Cookie!" After the longest 20 minutes of my entire life, I finally took Toddler outside because he loudly disputed whether I was going to let him slip his body through the hole between the seat and the top of the fold up chair.

Outside we had a chance to toss crabapples with some other young, evicted cousins, and we even had a chance to play with a truck belonging to the same little cousin who borrowed the now famous "green car." We remained outside until the coffin processed by, at which point we joined the back of the procession. Toddler briefly wailed about being pushed out of the way, but in the mourning procession, this seemed oddly appropriate, so I pretended (and willed everyone else to believe) that Toddler was crying for the deceased. Then, as we followed with our flowers at the back of the line, Toddler dutifully walked along with us. He looked at our flowers, and talked about them, and told us that flowers grow in the ground ... and then he announced that we were all going to "march, march march" (which, in a way, we were). Last, and perhaps most memorably, as we approached the closed coffin to lay our flowers, he announced, "I'm MARCHing!" I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry.

The gathering that followed, thankfully, was not a mandatory quiet-time, so no one noticed any odd sounds coming from our lunch table. Also, everyone seemed quite amused and warmed by Toddler and his near-age cousins (including Little Cousin) hugging when the gathering broke up.

All I have to say is this: It's a good thing the kid is so cute ... and I'm long overdue in teaching him how to whisper. I was up to potty training and jumped right over whispering. Man, did I have my priorities wrong!

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You Are What You Do, Because A Talking Head Said So

Every weekend when I watch football ... okay, wait. Let's start that over. "Weekend" is such a poor term for the football days anymore. I'm like the woman in the Best Buy commercial -- I watch Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and sometimes Thursday. Let's try that again.

Every so many days of watching football during the week, one of the ESPN or Fox "talking sports heads" says something that makes me shake my head.

For example, while I missed this one personally, rumor has it a few weeks ago that Lou Holtz said of a wide receiver, "Isn't it great when a wide receiver catches a ball with his hands?" I'm sorry, Lou, I forgot my Coach to English Dictionary. What do "hands" mean in your language, and what part of the body do wide receivers catch balls with on Planet I Used to Be Irish? Well, at least this wasn't one of the long "Lou-isms" that had Mark Mays staring at the old Coach and saying, "Huh?" Ya gotta love Coach Holtz, but honestly, understanding him is sometimes harder than understanding Toddler. He is starting to remind me a little bit of Yogi Berra ... and sometimes like Beano Cook.

One of my absolute favorite parts about listening to football pundits talk is listening to them decide when to justify what happens on the field. In a nutshell, if a player does something successful, he is brilliant. If he tries and fails, he has made a "crucial mental error." Either he is a rookie and "will have to learn" or he is a veteran and "should know better by now."

Let's take some examples. How many times have we ever heard this:

1. A. Oh, no, look at how close that pass was to an interception! That was a poor judgment call. A quarterback should never throw back across his body to hit a receiver. He's just asking for the ball to be picked off by the defense. He should have just thrown that ball away.

B. WHAT A BRILLIANT THROW! Not many men can make that kind of pass, on his heels, running the other way, throwing back across the field. But he saw the receiver open, and he had just enough touch on the ball to drop it right over his receiver's shoulder.

2. A. That's a rookie mistake, trying to make too much happen. Coach ____ will be after him in practice about that. A player should always fall on the ball in the case of a fumble. Trying to pick it up is just asking for trouble.

B. Man, what presence of mind he had to just scoop that ball up and start running with it! What a great fumble recovery!

Of course, individual plays are not the only place for commentator-reversal. Reputation and player value can change just as rapidly. Just two or so years ago, Kerry Collins (Tennessee) was generally referred to as an aging quarterback and a good backup for an emergency in the remaining few years until his retirement. Now he's a stellar team leader who just might be the man to take the Titans to the superbowl. I take this one personally, because Kerry Collins is a month younger than me, and I am not an "aging" anything.

Coaches, too, are not immune from this phenomenon. Just think about every time the coach went for it on 4th down instead of settling for 3, or each and every decision for (or against) a 2 point conversion and you know exactly what I mean.

When it comes right down to it, as much as I love ESPN's College Game Day, all those talking heads are just ex players and coaches that wish they were still playing and coaching. They are fun to listen to, but the only way to get them on your side is win every chance you ever take, and if that were possible no one would watch football anymore. So, kudos to those pundits who don't start out every sentence with, "When I was playing for Michigan," and watch out for falling metaphors

See ya next Saturday.

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Disaster!

Disaster! Disaster! The DVR BROKE AND LOST ALL OUR RECORDED SHOWS!

Oh, no, now what do I do. Another one has (finally) been installed, and we are on our way to recording all the cartoons again. This is a good thing because I am already tired of listening to Toddler whine, "Mickey Mouse? Mickey Mouse?"

I know, this whole disaster is my fault. I should never have introduced Toddler to the joys of on-demand television. I should never have put off watching the final half season of Battlestar Galactica. (At least I can buy that one in the store, and I think I can even watch some of them online.) Yes, I missed the last 3 episodes of 90210 when the season ended last spring. True, I was about 5 episodes behind in Warehouse 13 and about 3 episodes behind in Royal Pains. I also had some documentaries saved that I had watched for minutes before being bombarded by Toddler kisses.

But the worst of this disaster is yet to come. I relied on that DVR to pick up all the season premieres of all the shows I watched last season. This was going to be automatic. I wasn't going to miss an episode. If I was recording it last year, the recording was going to restart automaticlly. That way, the only shows I needed to watch for on the internet or the TV advertisements was Survivor, which has a different title each season, so the recording doesn't carry over.

Man, now I actually have to pay attention to what is coming on! I'll have to go research which week the new season of House was to begin. Wow, talk about making me feel like a TV nut! At least with all the stuff happening automatically, and me watching it days or weeks (or months, to be candid) later, I could pretend I was not a lazy couch potato. I mean, for the 24 hours there was no DVR at all, I was proud of myself because I couldn't be bothered to turn on the TV. If the show wasn't already recorded, and I knew I wanted to watch it, why bother?

Now, and for awhile to come, when DH sits down after Toddler is in bed and asks, "What do you want to watch?" He is going to mean only what is on live tv. For us, that means some boring Wednesdays for a long time yet. It's 250 channels and nothing on.

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What is the Right Answer?

You know, I love staying in hotels. I'm a loyal frequent flier of one of the major hotel brands, and I think for the most part the hotel people know their business. I also understand that they think, to better serve me, they need to know my business. This means they ask a lot of questions when you book a room. I don't object to this, because it usually results in better service or it saves me some time when I get there. I have to admit, though, there is one question that stumps me more times than it doesn't. Often I don't know how to answer it.

"Is this trip for business or pleasure."

Sometimes I know the right answer. Many times I do not.

I mean, let's think about this. What do they want to know? Do they want to know who is paying for it? If so, why don't they say, "Business or personal?" Or better yet, ask me if my bill is being paid by a third party employer. (On the other hand, if they want to know if I were paying myself and deducting it from my taxes as an unreimbursed business expense, then I would probably get that question wrong, too.)

Let me give you some examples of some confusion I have had with this "Business or pleasure" question. Last February a hotel reservationist asked me this question. I said, "Uh ... I'm going to stay so I can be near my kid in the hospital." In my mind, this isn't pleasure, but it doesn't really seem like business, either. That particular employee didn't tell me how she recorded my answer.

Last spring I made a reservation in eastern Ohio. The super cheerful-super helpful woman asked me, "Is this trip for business or pleasure" I said, "Uh ... it's a family reunion." She promptly offered me a group rate. If I had been a little quicker on my feet, I would have said something closer to the truth, like, "Can I get back to you on that? It will depend on who actually shows up." Anyway, I don't know how she recorded my answer either.

I had the sad experience of attending a family funeral recently. To get there, we had to take a car trip that was about 7 hours, so there was absolutely no chance of us avoiding a hotel room. When I made the rather last minute reservation, I got the same question. "Business or pleasure?" With great restraint, I made no snide comments. I just said, "It's for a funeral." I don't think I want to know how she recorded my answer.

Now when I go to Disney World, I think the answer is obvious. This is supposed to be a pleasure trip. Things like visiting family or reunions (especially school reunions) are a much closer call in my book. Tragedies and illness -- clearly not pleasure, and yet to call them business is just monumentally disrespectful.

I think we need more choices. We could have, "Business or personal." We could say, "Company paid or reimbursed, unreimbursed business trip, vacation/pleasure, I'm too tired to keep driving, pure family obligation, my mother/wife/husband/father is making me do this, and I haven't decided yet."

Maybe you have a few more ideas?

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May I Recommend Some Improvements?

Author's note: I recognize that today is a day of somber reflection, and mourning, to many people here in the United States. I contemplated how you all might feel if I continued this irreverent look at daily life, but then I thought of all the people I have lost in my life. I cannot think of one of them that would begrudge us a little laugh or happiness. And I cannot imagine any of the victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks would appreciate us changing what makes us happy, healthy, or free in commemoration of their deaths. Not to publish this blog today seemed disrespectful to me, and I don't think that is what they would want, although I know as individuals and as a nation we will miss them forever. So, with all due respect to those that have gone before ... I hope you enjoy today's post.

There is a post of one-liners going around Facebook right now that is quite a riot. One of the lines is something to the effect of this:

I wish Google Maps had an option to "avoid ghetto".

My first thought when I read this (after I stopped chuckling) was, hey, yeah! Then, like so many other things in life, this idea got me thinking. I have a lot of ideas about how we could improve the GPS, too.

This past weekend I learned the difference between old and new generation GPS devices. My new GPS is one of the "old generation" (which is more than adequate for my needs, and I'm content, so this isn't a complaint). This weekend I drove with my mother to Cleveland, with her "new generation" GPS. Both of them are made by the same company, so I'm comparing apples to apples, so to speak. After several days to consider these two devices, I decided that I have some suggestions to improve each of them.

Let's start with my "old generation" GPS. This machine sits in my car and dictates where I am to turn when I tell it where I want to go. When I don't listen to it, or I miss a turn, a snotty female voice says, "Calculating Route." This pithy condemnation is usually followed by the words, "When possible, make a legal U-turn." Most of the time I don't mind, however, there are two different circumstances when this statement bugs me. These two different circumstances have led me to suggest the following adaptations to this device. First, in addition to seeing options for "Fastest Route," "Shortest Distance," etc., I would like an option for "The Way You Always Go No Matter What I Say." So, if to avoid all the traffic lights that last 2 seconds for 27 cars, I always go around the mall, I'd like the GPS to give me directions involving going around the mall, or at least shut up when it sees that I'm going that way. Second, I want a pause button, or a bathroom break button. I mean, seriously, if I've been on 95 southbound for 5 hours, I am entitled to get off the freeway and seek a restroom without being pestered by this nagging female voice telling me to "Make a legal U-turn," don't you think? I mean, seriously, have a heart!

Now my mother's GPS is one of the "new generation." When the driver makes a wrong turn, it never says, "Calculating Route" out loud. It recalculates, but it doesn't tease you with it and it very seldom instructs the driver to make a legal U-turn. At first I thought I liked this options, but I soon rethought my position. See, instead of telling you to turn around, the device tries to route you to the next exit up the freeway, or around a few blocks, or anything to hide from you the fact that you screwed up. By blindly following the machine, I have ended up going several miles out of my way when I would honestly have preferred to turn around. I think this new device needs to say something when I screw up. I suggest something like this, "Hey, you missed your turn. Would you like to turn around now, or would you like me to drive you all over town to get there a different way so you don't have to admit you made a mistake?"

What do you think?

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There I Go Making Assumptions Again

I was in the shower yesterday, chasing my random thoughts around. I took a look at the shower curtain and was trying to figure out whether it needed to be cleaned again or not. The curtain is one of those flimsy cloth ones -- the first one I've ever had that isn't plastic, or vinyl, or whatever that thick bendable/foldable clear stuff is.

To be honest, at first I couldn't figure out how to clean the thing. I just watched it grow mold for awhile and figured that if it got too bad, I could always throw it away. Then I decided I was being silly, and we would clean it. I tried a few spray-in-place methods, and they all were just useless. We took it out to the driveway and scrubbed it down -- big improvement, but still not good enough. Finally, DH got the briliant idea of reading the label. (You know, that small "care instructions" thing that is often hidden by the big "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW" thing. I know they changed the words so if you parse through it carefully, you can conclude that consumers are allowed to remove the tags, but it is dreadful grammar, and we spent our whole lives not removing them, so why start now, right?) Anyway, the care label said we could machine wash the thing. Machine wash it? There is so little fiber in this curtain that my washing machine is bound to tear it apart. But, it's the washer or throw it out, so what have I got to lose?

As it turns out, the washer did a great job at cleaning, and the curtain only looked a little bit more ragged. I was thinking I'd finally found the solution. But then, while taking a shower the other day, I got a good look at that care label, and I saw another part to it. It said, "It is recommended that a vinyl curtain be used when using this product."

Huh? So I buy a shower curtain, and the instructions tell me to buy another shower curtain to make this work? Why on earth would I want to do that? True, it keeps the mold away, but huh? Now don't get me wrong. I've seen all the dual shower curtains in the hotels and all that. I just figured they did it because stupid hotel guests left the shower curtain outside the tub and the hotel people were trying to cut down on water on the floor. Either that or they were just being fancy. I didn't know that you were supposed to use a vinyl curtain with a cloth curtain. So basically, what this tells me, is that cloth shower curtains serve no useful purpose -- they are merely decorations.

Well, what do you know. See, there are a million really nice vinyl curtains that come already decorated. Here I thought vinyl and cloth were competing products but that one was "higher class" than the other. I figured cloth was snazzier because it was a better light blocker -- you know, so that no one can watch you shower and you have the pleasure of showering in the dark (unless you have a light actually in your shower). I didn't know cloth was more elite because it was functionally useless.

Since I'm not renting my place out, and there are no condo rules to tell me what kind of shower curtain to use, and since I know enough to keep the curtain inside the tub, I think I'll just stick with this cloth one until it wears out. Then, I'll replace it with vinyl.

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