No, Seriously ... Why?

>> Friday, May 29, 2009

In my prior incarnation as a lawyer, things were busy. When something didn't make sense, well it didn't make sense, and I moved on. I fixed it, laughed at it, ignored it, refused to buy it, or whatever. Now, as my pace of life has changed, I find myself asking, "Why" a whole lot more. Why did someone think something was a good idea? Why here, why now? Why at all? And sometimes, am I too smart or too stupid to figure out the answer?

Here are some of the great imponderables that have bothered me this past year.

1. I bought some "take and toss" type straw cups for my child. They come with roughly 6 cups to the pack, six matching straws ... and precisely one lid. I failed to notice this engineering genius before I purchased the cups. I don't know about the children of those who designed this package deal, but in my house the lids get just as dirty as the cups and the straws, especially when the child turns the cup upside down. What am I missing? Author's edit: Several months after this post was first published, I learned that my package was incomplete. I was supposed to get enough lids for each cup in the package. The trick is that only one of the lids is securely attached to the packaging. The rest are sort of ... just there ... waiting to fall out into the display bin at a moment's notice without leaving any evidence that anything is missing so that future novice-straw cup buyers are easily fooled. Sucker me!

2. Billboards in Georgia. OK, this may be offensive to some folks, but I still have to ask. Southern Georgia is part of the heart of the US Southern Bible Belt, right? No complaints, no comments on that. My question is why are there more sexually related billboards between Atlanta and the Florida state line than anywhere else -- even Las Vegas? I wonder, did the presence of all this nudity breed the conservative elements of the baptist church, or did the pornographers put up all those billboards just to annoy the bible thumpers? What do you think?

3. Diaper Genies. I know some moms who swear by the diaper genie idea, but I just don't get it. I want the poopy diapers OUT of the house, not squished together in one unbelievably dense poop log that will never decay in a landfill before the sun goes nova. I have trouble enough breathing during a diaper change, much less trying to empty a week-old collection of poop. It's worse than a litter box. Help me with this one.

4. "Moot" versus "Mute". Seriously, people, you need to get this one right. It is far, far too easy to make fun of you if you don't. Don't open yourselves up like that! As a friend of mine said on Facebook a few months ago, "Yes, I do judge you on your grammar." I agree, and even more so, I judge you harshly when you use the wrong word. "Mute" means to be silent. "Moot" means irrelevant. Keep them straight. You almost certainly mean a "moot" point, not a "mute" one, because if the point is "mute" we can't hear it anyway.

Once upon a time I had a doctor send a group of us a "shouting" email in all caps talking about a meeting date. We hadn't held the meeting when he wanted it, but he wanted us to know that it was a "MUTE POINT BECAUSE THE MEETING ALREADY HAPPENED!" Yes, those of us at the law firm had a lot of fun with that one - a mute point in shoutface type. The point is moot so be mute about it already.

5. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. This is for all you stay at home parents. Have you ever wondered about the show? Do they come up with the plot, and figure out what tools to give Mickey with the Mouskatools, or do they come up with some random list of household items and try to figure out how to make Mickey use them? And have you ever wondered if Mickey has gone Russian? He has a "mouska-doer" that gives him "mouska-tools" (including a "mouska-map" sometimes) and we end with the "mouska-dance". Sounds awful rusky to me. Mickey, have you defected? Say it isn't so, bro!

6. Disney Eggs. Now I'm a big fan of Mickey Mouse and a bigger fan of Walt Disney World. In fact, I'm borderline obsessed, but even I don't get this. Disney eggs? In Orlando, you can go to the grocery store, go to the egg section, and buy regular chicken eggs stamped on the shell with a one-color outline of the Disney characters, about the size of pea. The only thing I can think of to say about this is ... huh?

I could go on and on, but I will stop for now. I can't stop forever because these questions haunt me, and inquiring minds want to know! Stay tuned in future episodes where we talk about ... whatever is making me grin that day.


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