I Wish, I Wish, I Wish ....

I've been reading a lot of diatribes about health care recently. No, don't worry, I won't be touching on that very sensitive subject in this blog. The subject is so close and personal to our recent lives that I don't think even I could manage to crack a joke about it. In the process of reading a lot of these impassioned opinions, though, I came across a bit of a sidebar that raised my eyebrow ... and a raised eyebrow on me means you said something I plan to write about.

The tone of this article is that the food industry is the root of all our health problems. If we could only manage our food better, we would all be healthier. People who eat better have fewer chronic illnesses such as diabetes, heart problems, cholesterol problems, and a host of other problems. (If this is news to anyone, then you are living in a cave, and you are probably one of those people who buys each new diet pill advertised on late night TV as the one to solve all your problems, and you probably say to yourself, "I'm sure this one is safe and won't end up in litigation for life-threatening complications.")

So, we eat better, we feel better, we use fewer health care dollars. Okay ... I understand that eating poorly and sitting on the couch is a recipe for disaster. I really don't feel enlightened when someone chooses to point out this fact to me. I understand that french fries and potato chips have little nutritional value, and that vegetables are the natural staple of humanity's diet. Where is the revelation in that?

Here is the catch. The idea behind this article is that we need to regulate the food industry so that they aren't allowed to sell us the bad stuff, or at least it has to be taxed very high. In other words, if we don't exercise self control over choices we know are stupid, then this guy wants the choice taken out of our hands. This guy wants to regulate stupidity. Wow. Talk about a slippery slope! If we regulate against every stupid decision, some of us wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. The majority of our government would have to be sent home, and I'm not sure we could find enough competent people to replace them.

Let's go with this idea for a few moments and see where it takes us, though, because I'm having a little trouble figuring it out. It isn't like you can just ban ground beef, because there is nothing inherently bad about beef. The problem is how you prepare it and what you add to it. (Why do I suddenly feel like I'm justifying the Second Amendment?) So, how do you regulate it? If we want a Big Mac with the special sauce, are we going to have to sign a public register to keep track of how many Big Macs we eat in a given month, like with the whole pseudophedrine thing? Are we going to have an outright prohibition on mayonnaise? (Yikes, I'll need stilts for the speakeasy door! Hey, do you think I could make a legacy family fortune bootlegging mayonnaise like the Kennedys did bootlegging liquor?)

What I think I need is some sort of scientific breakthrough that makes me not want to eat potato chips so I don't have to rely on my will power (which is often at war with my sense of "I deserve it.") So for all of you presumably well-meaning people that want to offer your diet to me as the cure for all my problems, tell me this. Does your diet make me like vegetables and hate potato chips? If not, I'll stick with Weight Watchers, thanks.

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Chances Are....

Every generation has their culture, and their icons, and has put their stamp on the cultural history of our country. If I say, "sixties" or "eighties" most everyone would get some pretty clear images in their heads. What I find humorous is looking back over the past couple of decades and seeing what has changed -- some things we took so much for granted we didn't even know they were cultural.

Every community and every household changes at different rates and times, but I've taken a stab at a few that might ring some bells for you. I call this list, "Chances Are ..." because if you understand what I'm saying ... chances are you are over 35. I'm certain you will find exceptions and flaws in my list. Some of you will be waaaayy older than 35 and have no idea what I'm talking about, and some of you will be under 20 and know exactly what I mean, but it's my list, and I'm sticking to it.

If you mother ever said to you, "Don't forget to wear your rubbers," and she wasn't being pornographic, chances are you are over 35.

If you still call your cell phone a car phone, chances are you are over 35.

If the words, "saccharine sweet" gives you a bad taste, like the aftertaste of a Tab, chances are you are over 35.

If you remember only watching what was on TV, and if you missed it, you missed it, chances are you are over 35.

Similary, if you still get a thrill when you see the words, "ABC Special Presentation," chances are you are over 35.

If you still think Starbucks is a fad, chances are you are over 35.

If you think football scores are looking a lot like basketball scores, chances are you are over 35.

If you think a quarterback in the shotgun is a sign that the offense is getting pushed off the line of scrimmage, chances are you are over 35.

If you think nail polish is supposed to be in shades of red or pink, chances are you are over 35.

If you still have a record collection somewhere, chances are you are over 35.

If you ever asked a Best Buy employee where the turntables were, to have them ask you, "the what?" chances are you are over 35. Chances are the Best Buy employee was under 20, too.

If you look at the haircolor options in the store and think, "Punk Rock," chances are you are over 35.

If you think that boot cut jeans look a bit like bell bottoms, chances are you are over 35.

If you remember JoePa having black hair ... oh, wait. That one is mostly still true.

I hope you had fun in this little trip down memory lane.

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The Reality of Cats

We participate in home testing panels, meaning that from time to time, a couple of survey company send us products to try and later asks us what we think about them. We have seen some really nice diaper wipes, and some really dreadful ones. We have received shampoo, frozen dinners, and recently a whole lot of coffee creamer.

Today, we received cat food for the infamous trio. We have 20 cans of catfood that just showed up in the mail. I'm supposed to feed the first 10 cans (labeled, "Use first"), wait for a phonecall, then try the second 10 cans.

So far so good.

Now here is the part of the instructions that leads me to believe that the people who put this study together know absolutely nothing whatsoever about life with cats.

"You may have more than one cat. If you do, please select just one cat and feed this food to him/her. It's important that both of the food products are fed to the same cat so that we can understand how the two cat foods compare to one another." I'm supposed to start this today and keep it up for the next 5-10 days. Even better, I am supposed to make sure that the only cat food the test cat eats is this test food -- nothing else.

Now, excuse my language, but how the *%&& am I supposed to do that? The standard operating procedure in this house is to dump the food into the bowls, enough for all three cats, then walk away. Sometimes we use one kind in all bowls, sometimes we mix it up. If there is food leftover 12 hours later, either the bowl wasn't clean or all 3 of them hated it.

For the most part, meal times start with Big Black Cat twirling around the kitchen trying to coax Darling Husband into opening the cans of catfood early. Then comes Houdini to "help" with the coaxing process. Houdini's job is to sit about three feet from Big Black Cat and twirl around any feet or legs that Big Black Cat is ignoring or can't get to in time. If the food is too late, there might be some infighting. When we travel, which we do often, the food gets put into the multiple day feeder that has an ice pack underneath to prevent spoilage. After so many hours, the lid pops open, revealing the meal. We have more than one of these feeders, but we do not have three popping open at every meal. Neither these feeders, nor the cat food bowls, have the cat's names on them, and even if I had bought personalized cat food dishes, the cats can't read them.

So how, exactly, am I supposed to keep one and only one cat eating this food so I can understand his or her opinions on the food? I don't even know if Girl Cat actually eats wet food at every meal -- she is quite stealthy when it comes to eating time. (That way Toddler won't come running to play, Big Black Cat won't get territorial about the food, and Houdini won't come up to try to get too close and personal.)

Candidly, what this company is asking us to do is not possible. The only way I could ensure that only one cat ate this food, and that same cat ate it every time the food was set out, and ate nothing else, would be to lock that cat in separate room all day. (My 3 cats like to graze on and off all day long.) This forced separation would feel like discipline to him or her, would be out of their ordinary routine, and would almost certainly throw each of them "off their feed." Result? Sorry, survey company, they wouldn't even touch the stuff.

The only option we really have is to use one can at each meal and fill the rest of the bowls as we normally would. If the food is gone before the next meal, then they liked it. Which one liked it? We may never know. Maybe all three, maybe just whoever got to it first, maybe just whoever was eating mop up. I just don't see any other way. I never saw any point to using different types of dry cat food for your different cats either, for the exact same reason. How do you keep the overweight cat from eating the calorie-laden kitten chow? How many rooms is one family expected to dedicate to the feeding of the cats?

Anyone with a multiple cat household is welcome to chime in with additional ideas in case we get any future surveys for cat food.

Oh, and for those of you keeping track, the portable DVD player was returned, safe and sound, with enough cords that we can make it through the trip. Whew!

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Skirmishes

You may have been wondering how our ongoing battle against the forces of Entropy and Chaos has been going. Then again, you might just not care. Well, either way, I'm going to tell some stories, and you can read or not as you wish.

We've had a lot of skirmishes here in the house and the nearby environs. DH won a major battle in the garage, but ever since then, we have had some painful setbacks and have had to retreat from the front in several rooms in order to regroup. I've recently begun to suspect that there is an alliance between the forces of E and C and the gremlins that keep taking my portable DVD player. I wish I knew the terms of that agreement, because I think I can offer better to get the gremlins back on our side ... or just to be neutral at least.

While Toddler and I were at the funeral, DH made huge strides in cleaning up the garage. We could put a car in it now ... if the door worked. He even cleaned up part of the piles of clothes from last October when we tried our experiment with the "Clean Sweep" method of cleaning a closet. (For those of you who never watched the show, that means taking everything out at once and not putting anything back until you have decided that you absolutely need it. Of course, in this house, that means trying everything on first.) It's been almost a year since we started this exercise. I still have next to nothing in my closet, and since we added the dressers, I have very little in the drawers, either! I lost one of my best pairs of shorts at the bottom of the pile for the entire summer until uncovered by DH during the grand clean-a-thon.

On the "regroup and retreat" front, there has been an attack of the business suit on our vanity. At first the vanity got buried under bags of stuff from our now defunct craft business that I am planning on sending to friends or storing for my own future use, but that seemed okay because the stuff was all in neat boxes and bags. Then, gradually, the boxes and bags disappeared under a week's worth of business clothing. Everyone denies putting them there.

We scored a small triumph by sending a box of outgrown Toddler clothing to my sister and her littlest, but she retaliated by sending back 4 boxes of maternity clothes and 3 boxes of baby clothes. The irony is I swear I only sent her one box of baby clothes. They grew and multiplied in her house. Toddler and I bravely set out to sort all the clothing and combine it with the things that we still had in the attic. I believe it ended up being 9 or 10 boxes being stored in the attic in total. In the process of bringing some of them down to be filled, Toddler spotted a box of toys we had stored a few months ago and reclaimed each and every toy in the box (all 4 of them). Grrrr. Well, I did what I could, and in the process I managed to ship out another box to Sister via our mother. I'm sure when it comes back to me it will be at least 3 boxes. I just don't know how that happened that I ended up the grand repository of all things baby and maternity. If you know me, you understand how weird that really is.

Yesterday I decided that I had had enough of this retreating, and I lashed out first thing in the morning and had the vacuumed and the kitchen floor wiped up (yes, on my knees), before Toddler's appointment at 10 AM. Promptly after the appointment, Toddler dumped a full 8 ounces of milk and pediasure mix on the kitchen floor. One step forward, two steps back.

Yesterday the diaper box arrived from diapers.com in the nick of time. We were down to our last handful of diapers, and I couldn't figure out how we had gone through them in such a short time. I went to put them away in the closet, and, mysteriously, a whole half pack reappeared in the top of the closet. Ok, gremlins, what do you need with diapers?

I could go on and on, but I think you get the drift. We are making good progress in many areas, but Entropy and Chaos are pushing back hard. I have to confess, we are stalemated at the moment.

I have sorted much of the old craft business stuff for donation and shipping, which is good, but the storage of these "sorted" items is more than the "unsorted" volume. I know we will make dramatic strides when I start getting them all to their destination on Monday. Then we will have real progress. I shudder to think what the backlash will be at that time, though. Oh, well. I know I'll have at least a few moments of blissful un-clutter before E and C has time to strike back.

Now ... to finish sorting all the loose pieces in the toybox and matching them with the correct toys ... and to steal back those refugees from the attic that Toddler swiped from the box!

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Does Anyone? Football Thoughts....

Well, another week of college football is under our belts, and I've reached another pinnacle of honesty in my blog.

I don't understand everything about football. I just pretend.

The key is, I think almost everyone is in the same boat as me, but very few people will admit it. After all, refs often go to the sideline and explain the call to coaches. Many times we have to have the NCAA rep come in to the TV coverage to explain some of the more obscure rules. Plus, I'm not sure all the challenges of calls by teams are because they think the call was really wrong -- sometimes I think its because they know no one completely understands the rules anyway.

For example:

1. Does anyone really understand which calls are reviewable and which ones aren't?

2. Does anyone really understand the Kicked Ball rule?

3. Does any one whatsoever understand the logic behind the NFL and the NCAA broadcasting football games opposite each other during this season? They share a large chunk of their audience! Sure, let's take the football season and confuse it all together by having the two kinds of games play at the exact same time and make the limited audience choose. This is not increased competition (the competition is between the players, ha, ha. No, seriously, the economic competition is between football and anything else that is on already....) To me, this decision is like releasing two Tom Cruise movies at the same time and telling people they can only pay to see one of them. Nobody wins! If you hate Tom Cruise, there is still twice as much of him out there. If you love him, you only see half as much as you want to. (Please ... keep your minds out of the gutter here.) If you are his agent, you've lost half your revenue. If you are Tom, your church is ... well, let's not get mean. Tom might start yelling at me in the media and make me as famous as Oprah Winfrey, and who wants that?

Back to football.

4. Does anyone really understand what the term, "Unabated to the quarterback" means?

Now let's get one thing straight. Of course, with a little bit of time and a little bit of thought, I could figure out the answer to most of these. (Well, maybe not number 3.) Google is a great tool, and there are plenty of sports websites for us to peruse these days. But the point is that no one does this. We all just act like we know whenever it comes time to yell at the refs. The really ironic thing is that we all moan and groan in unison in the stadium on a few key plays where it looks like some funky business was happening while the ball was in the air. If a whole stadium immediately erupts in protest at the end of a play, does that say something about the play, even if there is no technical rule violation? Hmmm. Maybe. It means we are loyal fans, I suppose. It also means that we all have the same apparent misunderstanding of the rules, too. Isn't that weird?

What are those college chants?

A rope, a tree...

Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts ....

Something like that. Happy Football. See ya next Wednesday.

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They Are At It Again

I need to talk about those blasted gremlins that keep borrowing my things. I'd call them the Borrowers, but I think that term is copyrighted. Well, for that matter, so is "Gremlins". I could call them the Denizens of the Universe that Co-Exists In My House and In My Life, but that seems a bit long. Let's go with "gremlins".

First of all, they never gave back the old GPS. I've replaced the old one, already, so ... any day now ... I'm still waiting. This delay is really quite rude. Even worse, they keep borrowing other things without returning the earlier stuff!

Two days ago I was tearing the house up looking for a pair of tweezers. I must perform this ritual at least a dozen times a year, if not more often. Periodically, I get disgusted and finally buy a new pair, and low and behold, the others show up. By this time, we must own at least 6 pairs. To try to cut down on how far and how often these tweezers can travel, I've started to be fairly rigid in where they are allowed to live. For example, at least one pair must be in my makeup kit, and at least one pair must be in the drawer. The rest can move about aimlessly if they wish. Nonetheless, this last time around they were all AWOL. (Good thing we weren't having a true Toddler splinter emergency!)

Well, we solved our problem another way, and sure enough, I found two pair in my makeup kit this morning, right where they were supposed to be. Of course, I don't need them now.

Tweezers are one thing. In the grand scheme of things, tweezers are unimportant. This tug-of-war we are having over the portable DVD player, though, is really getting on my nerves. See, we have been taking Toddler on a lot of long car trips (5+ hours) over the past few months. Sometimes the last hour or so is just torture on all of us, and the portable DVD player is our only saving grace. Trust me when I tell you that DH and I are very motivated to keep all the necessary pieces together for just such a car-ride emergency. We need the player, the wall charger, the car charger, and the all important Bunnytown DVD.

I swear, for the last four trips, one of those pieces has been missing, no matter how carefully we try to keep them together. We have spent the days before each of the last several trips scouring the house looking for one of the two cords and ended up having to travel without them. The one time we managed to find all pieces, somehow the DVD was missing by the time we went to turn the machine on.

Honestly, I don't understand. These pieces all have a home together, and we put them there when we get home from each trip. (Or at least, I'm pretty sure we do.) We even talk about it, noting where they are (and commenting to each other if for some reason we elect to do something out of the ordinary, like leaving some pieces in the glove box for the next trip).

At the moment, a few days away from another long trip, we have two wall plugs that look like they go with the DVD player (although I recall one of them does not), one car adapter to allow us to use the regular plug in the car, and one DVD. Currently missing: the DVD player itself, and the car charger that plugs into the cigarette lighter. We have 48 hours to find them before we have to leave.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, GREMLINS? WE NEED THOSE PIECES BACK IN 48 HOURS!

I am willing to share my things with the other dimension. To be candid, I have no choice. I wish they would borrow everything that goes together at once, though, and return it all at once. This "bits and pieces" approach to our DVD Player is quite annoying. I mean, what use do the Gremlins have for the DVD player without a cord? I guarantee the battery has completely drained by the time we get it out of the car. And what use can they possibly make of the car charger without the player to plug into? What good is a random cord?

FORTY-EIGHT HOURS. I MEAN IT THIS TIME. YOU CAN KEEP THE DANG GPS NOW BECAUSE I HAVE A BETTER ONE. NO, YOU CAN'T BORROW THE NEW ONE.

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Technology Made Someone Else's Life Easier. I'm Not So Sure About Mine.

Well, against my initial judgment, I've managed to adapt to many "simplifying" tools of modern technology. I use a DVR and have given up on live TV (other than football), I text message (although I still think it's faster to call), and I can't live without my GPS.

The library, though, has caused me more trouble than I think modern technology is worth. I've gotten used to checking books out myself using the scanner. I wasn't sure I would, to be honest, because the machine we first had at the library at my old law firm didn't like me, and I got a bit gun shy. The one at the county library seems to have a better temperament ... or at least less of an objection to me. I think it has to do with the librarians standing behind the desk ready to smack them if they misbehave or take over if I start doing something wrong.

So, at our county library, I use the scanner to check out a book, and instead of getting a card, or a stamp, I get a receipt (if I push "Yes" when the computer asks me if I want one). This receipt gives me the name of all the books I've checked out, and the date they are all due. The first trick is to make sure I hang on to the receipt and leave it somewhere conspicuous so I know when I need to take the books back or renew them.

Then there is renewing. I get this neat reminder from the library that tells me (on my email) that my books are due in 3 days, then another one telling me the books are due TODAY. That is where I am right now -- with one library book of mine and two of Toddler's due today. I can renew online, if I have my library card, or I can return them. The trouble is, I'm not sure what to do. I'm not done with them yet. But if I renew them online, then I won't even have a receipt to tell me when they are due. I'll just have the online email reminder service.

I don't know ... I just can't get past not having a card in the back of the book anymore. (And not only don't I know when the book is due, I have to BYOB, too. No, no, that's "Bring Your Own Bookmark." Be sensible. We're talking library books here.) One time when our home internet connection went down for a week, I missed a notice and logged on in time to see my overdue notice come in with confirmation of how much my fine was accruing.

See my dilemma? I'm betting I could return them, go to the shelves, and just check out the same book but a different copy. That would probably work, eh?

While we're on the subject of library books, I have a question. I know we were all taught to be careful with the books and to treat them with respect. But, be honest. I want to know -- do you treat your own books better, or the library's books? I'm notoriously hard on books in the first place -- so much so that I have several books that even I'm not allowed to look at without sitting in my living room, sans drink or food. I'm just wondering what the average Joe(sephine) would do in my case. Do you take your own book to the hot tub, or do you take the library's? I suppose we could ask, WWJPD (What would JoePa do), since he dedicated a library, but he'd probably say there is a time for reading and a time for hydrotherapy. I'm not that one-tracked, nor that saintly. I'll be taking a book, even if I toss it on the towel for later. I don't know ... the other folks in the hotel's hot tub might be dorks I'd rather not talk to.

Well, I'll go flip a coin now. Until next time ....

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